by Will Stanton » Wed Jan 25, 2023 5:51 am
"You're still worried about me snapping. If you're so sure that everything you hold onto break, and you actually care about me, then there's a part of you, somewhere, that's pushing me away. Because you're afraid you're going to hurt me, or something. Because you feel that somewhere, inside, you don't deserve it.
And, if we're going to use that metaphor...if we open up that pit in your soul to someone, you risk them seeing what's deep inside of you. And that's terrifying, I'm sure. Because whatever you think about me, or anyone else for that matter, there's one person you just can't seem to like enough -- and that's yourself, isn't it? Deep down inside, you feel like you're not worthy of having someone care about you. Because you break them. Because once they get past...whatever level of control you try to have in a situation, and see the real you, that's when shit hits the fan, right?
Well, Miriam. I've seen the worst of you. I've seen worse than the worst of you. I spent months having an evil, twisted, psychopathic version of you shitting in my mind. And I've seen what you've got in that pit of yours, and you know what? Whether you like to think it or not, I know what's inside you. I've bathed in it. And I still gave you piano lessons.
If you hold everyone at arm's length? You can do that. You can tell the world to go fuck itself, and it will listen to you, because you have that sort of way of carrying yourself. But as much as you like to think you break people, some of us are still here. And maybe, if you burn off all that self-hatred, you'll find what's left can be something that helps cure that lonliness.
What else did you do? Those months of looping back and forth? What else happened?"