Xaviers!

"Well, the problem is, people don't treat you like a pen. They're careful, they place you down gently, they're hesitant. No one chews on the pen-cap, no one scratches their foot with you...they're not thinking of you as a pen, which you are. It's hard to get people to see that they can be friends with a pen! It's not a person, who is their friend, temporarily in the form of a pen, right? People don't get that."

"Because they're humoring you. People think you're weird and a freak, my dude. Of course they don't get it, because it's weird and strange. Why d'you think Vivienne blanched when you offered to be their bed? It's weird! And strange! People don't want sentient furniture! You can't be friends with plywood!"

"Plywood?!," Will said, offended.

"And how did you even know about that conversation!"

"ENOUGH!" William shouted.

"Please, just...just enough.

What's the matter with you two? If anyone should understand one another, it's you guys!"

"Seriously. Both of you. Unclench for a minute.

This is strange for all of us. But we're all still Will Stanton, right? No Taliesins, no Legionairres -- good old Will Stanton. We're a team, yeah?"

"Technically, I'm test subject 574N-70N."

"And my name was taken away by a pack of werewolves and a woman wearing a goddess' pants."

"Oy vey. Give me strength," Will sighed, bashing his head against a wall.

There was a quiet pause.

And then William broke it, nervously singing.

"My dudes, you're super stressing
This fight between you is so depressing
One after one, you're both ac-qui-escing
You might not be a very good maaaan...."

Will gave a half smile, joining in.

"Woah-oh-oh-oh no, no way my guy
You're so fresh and fly.

Dismissed, rejected, publicly humiliated?
Who, you? Never, my man!
You've got to pull yourself together, Stan-tan!"

...OK, it was a twisted rhyme, but hey.

"We're not doing this," Null frowned, leaning up against a wall, and most definitely not singing.

Will was, in fact, doing this.

"Look! It drives me insane when you say my name wrong..." he sang.

"Then girl, you're going to hate this soooooooong!

Staaaaan-tooooooooonnn!" Will said, doing a whole musical theater....thing, as Null rolled his eyes.

"Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Stan-Ton," ("See you Stan-toooooon)", Malden XU Will added, in background vocals)
"Looking so down in the dumps.
Every voice here'd love to be you, Stan-Ton ("Be you Stan-toooooon")
Even when taking your lumps..."

"Trust us, there's no one as admired as you,
You're everyone's third-favorite guy!"

("Wait, why thiiiird?" CurrentWill chimed in on the offbeat)

"Everyone's awed and inspired by you...
And it's not, ve-ry-haaard, to seeeeeeee whyyyyyyy..."

"Whyyyyyyy..." William added, taking the third degree of the scale.

"Whyyyyyy..." Will sang, smiling, on the fifth degree.

They held the note and turned to look at Null.

Null stared back, blankly, his arms crossed.

The other three continued to hold their notes, leaning in closer towards Null.

"Whhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..."

A human being would have likely needed a breath here, and, in fact, William dropped out for a second to regain some much-needed oxygen before joining back in, dropping things from a full chord to a power chord and then back again.

Null sighed.

"We're going to show you whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" he finally added in -- taking the seventh a full two octaves above the others. Showoff.

That got him a glare from MaldonWill, and he begrudgingly dropped the note back down to, you know, normal levels for a ringing seventh chord.

"Nooooo onnnnnne's...
Slick as Stan-Ton
No one's quick as Stan-Ton
Vocal chords as incredibly thick as Stan-Ton

For there's no pipes as e-lec-tri-fyin'....
Yesyouknowthatheis Perfect, the purest of pitch... (Hey, thanks guys!")
You can ask any Sam, John or Ryan,
And they'll you he's surely a son of a..."

"Rich set of parents, who could afford quality vocal lessons!"

"Nice save, idiot."

"Shut up."

"Who outsmarts like Stan-Ton?
Martial arts like Stan-Ton?
Who's so great at karate, Wax-Off and Wax-On?"

"Oh my punches and kicks are so de-vis-sta-ting"

"My what a guy, that Stan-Ton!"


"I needed encouragement, thank you, my dudes"

""Well there's no one as easy to bolster as you!"

"Debonair like Stan-Ton,
Fine green hair like Stan-Ton
No one else quite excels at skin care like Stan-Ton
All my wives say I'm good at ex-fol-i-a-ting
No blackheads for Stan-Ton!"

("And his eyebrows are perfectly drawn")

"When I was a lad, I did four dozen shifts every morning to help me stay loose
But now that I'm grown, I do five dozen shifts, and that's fine so we need a Will truuuuuuce"

Key change!

"No one kicks like Stan-Ton
Bad like Michael Jack-Son
No one's moonwalk is so freaking sick like Stan-Ton
If you thought that was sick, watch his fig-yer-skaa-ting...

"Say it again...." ("Who's a man among men?")
"Then just say it once more" ("Whos the hero next door?")

"Who's the super-success? Don't you know? Can't you guess?"
"Ask my best friends, my three hangers on!" ("We love Stan-Ton!")

"We should all clown around, let's hang out if you're doooooooooooooown!"

"And his name's S-T-A" William sang, before holding the note and frowning
"N," MaldenWill helpfully added.
"That's not the problem, there's too many letters for the rhythm" William sang back.
"Plus, there's like a seven in their now or something, he really is quite pathetic..." Null added.
"Calling him pathetic kind of destroys the underlying message of what we're doing," MaldenWill said

This was too long to hold a note.

"My what a guy," they continued together ("I now believe I am your guy!")
Stan-Toooooooooooon" he held..

("Such a bae like Stan-Ton
Yas, Queen slay like Stan-Ton
When we see you you blow us away, Stan-Tooooonn...
Staaaaaan-Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!"

The final chord rung out as the four Wills held the final note in perfect harmony.

As the final harmony slowly rings out the silence hangs for a moment before it is suddenly interrupted by the sound of applause. Well, one person applauding at least. Standing in the door is a middle-aged woman with shoulder-length brown hair and eyes shining with barely held back tears despite the wide smile on her face.

"Hey there, sorry to interrupt, but I just had to come over and introduce myself when I heard your little routine."

Will...err, the current Will, that is to say... shoved MaldenWill down in his hurry to get over to the doorframe.

"SARA!" he cried leaping at her.

Null was right behind him.

"I knew it. I knew it. You fucking scienced the shit out of this situation. Who would let a little black hole stop them?" he grinned.

Sara catches the leaping Will and wraps her arms around him maybe a little too tightly as she kisses him.

"Long time no see." she laughs, blinking away tears. "I think I'm seeing double. Four Wills?"

"It's a long story. Too, too long.

But, hey, it has a happy ending now, right?" Will beamed up at her.

"Not until we're all back where we belong, mind you," Null said, sliding Will out of the way. "No one deserves to be stuck here for a minute longer than they have to be."

"You bet! I'm not going home without you two!" she says, reaching out to Null and pulling him in to their embrace as well.

"How have you been? Where have you been? There's so many familiar and almost-familiar faces out there..."

"We've been...all over the place," Will frowned. "It's been...a long, time. A long, long time.

Like, past carbon-dating long. Grew up during the '50s long. Had to hide away inside my head long."

"Good god. I can't even imagine..." she says, squeezing the two Wills tight. "How long have you been... two?"

"Since Christmas. Telepathic...uh, incident, let's say."

"Of course." she chuckles a little. "Are you alright? You seem okay, but it's not a clean split down the middle, is it?" she asks, looking between the two.

"We're not a worm, if that's what you're asking. Different bits on different sides.

I've got all the good bits, though. I'm sure you'll like to check that out thoroughly," Null said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Is that so?" she smirks. "Might need the comparison though... Proper baseline and double-blind studies."

William just sort of blushed and looked away towards the ceiling and whatnot.

"Give us the room, lads," Null called out. "I think we may have found a better judge for determining which Will reigns supreme.

And if she can walk out of here when we're done, then I haven't done my job properly."

"Oh it's a competition now, is it?" she laughs and pulls Null in for a kiss.


((FTB?))