Weary

[Sara Stanton]

First off, I hate to drag some of this out into the open like this and for that I apologize.

But I also feel like it's only fair to everyone to explain things.

As it stands right now I am done with XU.

I've been here before, tired and worn out and uncertain if I could keep things running. Whether or not people even enjoyed things I was running. Things have been slow and that prompted me to talk to Trav, spurred on a bit by his accidental mention of another board.

I want to stress that in and of itself that's no problem. People need to recharge their creative batteries sometimes, a single setting gets stale, creative muscles need flexing. Hell we've done it before with the What Ifs, the Dresden Files and Star Trek boards. What I wasn't prepared for was something like that being kept secret and cordoned off from everybody else. I won't begrudge people their own spaces, especially when they feel like what they want can't be found on XU anymore but I still felt excluded.

I get that XU has long since turned into my place in a way and maybe that's my fault. I didn't mean for that to happen but when I'm the one who runs the majority of plots I suppose that's inevitable. I always felt there was plenty of room for everyone to play out the kind of stories they enjoy without having to match the tone of a particular plot or adhere to the things I enjoy exploring. Maybe I was wrong in that. But even for things that wouldn't fit into the scope of XU, it stings to not even be told about something like this. Not even asked to adhere to someone else's setting and rules and ideas on the assumption that I wouldn't? Couldn't?

But what really hurt was the unspoken assumption that XU would always be there to return to. That I would be sitting here, keeping the lights on for a dwindling group of people, for when the sideboard is no longer new and shiny. But XU is not a place that just exist on it's own. It's the people that post there and keep it going. Ducking out for a while to pursue shinier things happens and has always happened, but when the playerbase is so small it no longer works quite the same. And it especially rankles me when the shinier thing is something that I'm explicitly told I'm not allowed to even consider. That may have been how XU started to begin with, but it caused a lot of unnecessary hurt to the people left behind. I get that this is not exactly the same situation and that Raph&Co did it with (at least some) malice, but it's hard not to see the parallels.

I don't want this to be how this ends, but I'm not sure I know how to fix it. I want this to be a place where everyone feels okay to tell the stories they care about and to feel comfortable talking about how things do and do not work. Perhaps I failed in that but I can't do anything about that if people don't talk. I want Xavier's to continue but for that we need to be friends. Not keep secrets and resentments to ourselves about how things are or aren't done. We need to do this together. I wish I had a list of bullet-points of things that need doing, but that's kind of the point. I don't. I don't know what to do and I need help. I need people to step up to help work this out rather than slink away.

If not...

One of the original admins once said that these kinds of boards last for 2 years at most. We beat that estimate by a lot. I always considered Xavier's University to be something special and the people who post here my friends. There's disagreements and fights and misunderstandings but I always treasured this place. It was there to provide me a place to express myself when I couldn't in real life. It introduced me to my now husband. It made me cry on many occasions because I felt for these characters and their stupid, messy lives.

But I'm worn down.

My batteries aren't empty but they aren't charged enough anymore to bridge the gaps that have opened.

I'm too hurt to hold down the fort just in case people who didn't want to let me play in their corner want to come back to play in mine.

I would miss it dearly.

~ Sara Knowles/Evans
~ Nailah Weaver
~ ASHLIE
~ Miriam Bell
~ Robin Stanton
~ and so many more

[Will Stanton]

I suppose I'll go next.

It probably goes without saying, but if Sara goes, I go too; not only would it be ~extremely awkward~ to keep hanging around after my wife gets sent to the curb, but the 'taking her for granted' bit had me seeing red for a while until I calmed down.

Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break, or doing other things, etcetera. Hell, I have to poke Sara every time she falls deep into a FFXIV hole, or an Elden Ring hole, or a Destiny hole, or whatever various video game she gets herself into. It happens, it's fine, no one is shackled to the desk being forced to post, it's all good. It's kind of polite to let people know you need a break if you're actively doing things with them, but the boards are slower paced than the old days, so stuff happens, it's OK.

It becomes different when it's premeditated. When you take a significant subset of the group, go off and create your own thing in the same basic structure as something the group was doing, and then hide it from other people. That's actually a step beyond what Raph and Khan did to CJ back in the day; they were at least open in the fact that they were excluding people. And I get not wanting me around; I know that I'm tough to get along with and on the general periphery of our friend group, yadda yadda, we've been thorough all this before a hundred times over. But not including the person who has been keeping the boards functioning for the past...what, seven years, basically on her own? I help where I can, and CJ's plot was a godsend (even if communication issues ended up crashing it some), but she's been the force keeping things going for almost half the life of these boards; excluding her is not something I thought people would be capable of doing. I really did think people considered her a friend. To see the equivalent of the "No Homers" club popping up, under the assumption that oh, it would be fine, she would keep doing her thing over here, carrying the weight of the whole damn thing on her back, is a shock.

It hasn't been a secret these past few years that the pressure of running 90% of the board by herself has been a significant drain on her. But she did it under the assumption that people appreciated it; that the hard work and hours spent planning and plotting and figuring out ways to twist and adapt things to include other people was something that brought joy to everyone. And, I think to be fair, it does for a significant chunk of us that are left. There are definitely people who create more and people who just react more, but I think people appreciate that they were included in her plots. The recent Spark thing, for example, didn't need Natalie to be involved with the Crystal Computer, or Tosh to help create scanning devices or to tie in with Emilie's backstory, but because Sara was writing it for the boards rather than just for her, she spent the time and mental energy to figure out how to include the majority of people still playing, and I like to think that that was appreciated. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having individual plots that don't involve everyone; Symkaria has only slowly opened up and Raven's Crest is very specific to very specific people and so on and so forth, but to be a community, we needed events that could attract everyone, and Sara went well above and beyond to create them. This was a job originally handled by four people. It became three mods when the most recent reboot happened; and then two and then really one, as no one else created that sort of content. And I think people have been taking that -- taking her -- for granted for years.

That's no longer OK with me.

I don't know what happens now. I did convince her to change her post from "I will miss it dearly" to "I would miss it dearly", to keep open the hope that something can be done to repair this. I don't know what that is. It's something that would require effort, and I do not know if people have the will or desire to put in effort. I hope they do. I don't know. I don't know if we'll be on the boards this time next week. I don't know if we'll be in the channel this time next week. It's all kind of up in the air at the moment, which sucks. It sucks that it's come to this; that we couldn't work out issues when they were small and now we're here in ultimatum time. It's nearly 10 years to the day since I posted my big "Raph is an asshole who is bullying people" post and left the boards. At that time, we managed to fix things; to patch things up enough to keep the boards a welcoming place. Maybe that's just something we have to do every decade if we're going to keep this strange friend group going indefinitely. Or maybe we're just well past our best-by date, and need to go our separate ways. I honestly don't know.

I will continue to fight for this strange group of people and these weird fucking boards we share, but only if there's a desire for them to be fought for. I'm punched out, and I'm not going to strap groups of people together who no longer want to be associated. Maybe we do splinter into separate groups and just occasionally spot each other on the interwebs. It would be a sad ending. But sometimes, things need to end, I guess.

Bryan

(PS -- Regardless of the outcome, I'll still be finishing the Symkaria plot somewhere, somewhen -- whether that's here, or in a Discord message thing, or just by turning slightly to my right to talk to Sara. I put too much time into it and am too tickled by the eventual resolution to not finish it for anyone and everyone involved)

[Tereza Rozanov]

Popping in here long enough to say that I am not ignoring this, but my feelings are all over the place right now and everything I write as I jot down my feelings on the subject feels like starting and/or throwing fuel on a fire and I don't want to do that. I honestly can't promise a post on this later at this point as I have several hurdles to get through in my brain, but I will try.

[Will Stanton]

It's a hard thing to talk about, WP; I know Sara spent most of last night crafting her post and I spent all night working on mine. It's not fun!

I appreciate you at least hearing what we had to say.

[Basil Benson]

I feel like I should add: I know you can see me watching this but I wasn't involved in this on either side so until all involved parties have spoken their piece, I am going to hang on the sidelines for the moment.


I just don't want anyone to believe I am ignoring this or not giving the attention it deserves.

[Leo Eskandari]

I'm not ignoring this either. I'm just at a loss for anything to say, constructive or otherwise. Other than to apologize for my part in taking Sara for granted.

[Tereza Rozanov]

You gave me candor, so I'm going to offer candor in return. I'm doing my best to not be reactionary and to keep an open mind, but much as I believe you are speaking from a place of hurt and anger after reading your posts, I'm talking about things that frustrate and hurt and are unpleasant to me, so if something reads as harsh, I want to preemptively apologize. This has been a lot of writing and revising since this morning, including scrapping everything I'd written several times.

I'll start with where I'm at with regards to XU. I made the decision about two months ago to walk away. There's several reasons for this, but ultimately they all boil down to not feeling like I had a place to tell my stories on the forums and not feeling like the other stories had an actual place for me. I know and acknowledge that I have a history of trying to "fix" things by the shortest route with my characters. I was trying to be better about that while still trying to play true to the characters and work with the things that felt important to their personal stories and let them feel cool. But often, I felt as if there was a presumption that I was "fixing" something without even asking me what my intentions were and that I was preemptively roadblocked. A recent example that felt like it fell into this category was Natalie's discussion with the Citadel which amounted to "you can anoint a Captain Britain or find some experienced wizard you trust, but otherwise you're SOL", when neither of those options were really a reasonable possibility. Could I have raised these issues? Yes, but we've had these conversations before and it always seems to result in the same conclusion, that my storytelling style/preferences are radically different from others' storytelling style/preferences. The last time we came to this conclusion, an agreement was reached to avoid certain threads, even open threads, unless the people involved had touched base about it first. I didn't feel like rehashing that conversation again, just to come to the same conclusion, as even starting the conversation feels like it involves conflict.

That brings me to the side board. After I walked away, some time passed before the idea was broached of a side board hyper-specific to my interest in werecreatures. The setting was pieced together and the story got off to a slow start about three weeks ago. When the question came up yesterday about opening up invitations, it was discussed and I aired some of my misgivings and difficulties with XU and the others deferred to my discomfort and kept the board closed despite the rest of the group being willing to open it up. So ultimately, the decision to not open invitations hinged on that and the discomfort caused by the issues above. It wasn't my intent to cause harm, but intent doesn't mean shit when harm is actually caused and I want to apologize for the harm that was caused. I don't know what, if anything, I can do to repair the harm. If there is nothing, I'll live with that, but if there is, let me know.

I honestly don't know that there's a way back to XU for me. I'm so soured on trying to do things with my characters that I don't even have a desire to play Tereza, the character I like so much I name my MMO characters after her. I'm not saying it's impossible, and I hate to use the word "never", but I honestly don't see a path there right now after looking for months without finding it.

That's about all I have to say at the moment and I'm not sure what else to say other than to reiterate my apology for the harm I've caused.

[Sara Stanton]

I hear you and I feel you in terms of not feeling like you're not happy on XU, even if I don't quite understand it. The example you bring up wasn't even me narrating, that was Trav. And neither of the options were unfeasible. imo. They would both necessitate some OOC planning and IC searching but they're perfectly fine hooks to play off of? But it doesn't really matter. I just would have wished to have been kept in the loop on your decision to leave. This goes for Trav to a certain extend as well, though he still put up the occasional post, I guess.

We've played together just fine before and if I'm honest I still don't really understand the problem aside from the fact that I prefer some amount of tensions/drama/conflict in my RP and you don't. But honestly, if people don't feel like trying to fix those kind of issues then I see no point in trying either. I already felt like I was either dragging people through plots I was putting out there or what I put forth didn't get picked up on at all and this just feels like an extension of that. As much as I might want to, I'm not going to try and solve something if there's no desire to from the other end.

I don't know what that means for XU or the Discord or what I'll do now, but I'm done. If somebody else wants to build something new or take over or rework things I'd be more than happy to help and take part in it, but I am done trying to drag this wagon out of the mud by myself.

[Samantha McManus]

I'm not sure how good this post is going to be, but I have to make it at some point.

Sara has gone above and beyond to try and keep things going, and she's right to be frustrated. She and I have had it out on this, not for the first time, and while I hope this isn't an end of doing things with her and Bryan, I really don't want to be in this situation with them ever again. Because I completely understand why all of this feels so incredibly shitty for them, and because damned if it doesn't feel shitty for me too.

I have been at a low ebb on inspiration for XU. I've tried to make it work, but it's been hard and obviously at this point I've really failed in that respect. In times when we were mostly firing on all cylinders that mattered less because when some of us weren't feeling it others were and that bridged the gap. That's very much not happening right now, and I agree it's wrong to put all that weight on Sara.

I have a problem. My problem is that I jump, often without thinking it through, to try and "fix" things and defuse tension. The lack of deliberation in doing so means a lot of the time I'm shit at it. But I still wind up charging ahead and it often makes things worse.

And boy howdy did I make things worse this time.

I tried to make a small haven for a few friends to recharge. Not to be the "No-Homers" club, but as was mentioned a hyperspecific thing that the inspiration for it came almost by accident. I started building it. It felt good. It wasn't meant to be a replacement for anything. It wasn't meant to exclude anybody. When the question of whether we should open it up to more people came up, I took an informal poll because even though I'd put it together I wasn't the only person that decision would affect. I believed, mistakenly in hindsight, that we could resolve this without things escalating. I told my players when I did so that I wasn't going to advocate for one position or the other. I didn't want to put pressure on them, and again, things were civil enough on all sides at that point so I thought we'd just go from there.

And I was wrong. The no-drama, no-judgment choice I offered them turned out to be anything but. I was made a liar, a fool or both in a damn hurry there. It was wrong of me to make that assumption. It was wrong of me to speak for others in that case, and I don't blame anyone involved for reacting the way they did. I've let the players on the sideboard down, I've abused Sara's goodwill, and I've not been doing right by any of you.

So now we're here. Xavier's is endangered. The side-RP that was helping recharge my batteries is endangered. I let my friends down, and I get nothing. Part of me wants to be angry about that, but I've got no right to be angry at anyone but myself for making such a mess of things. I don't have any solutions, not right now at least. I'm not in a good enough frame of mind to see them, and that's been sending me in a loop of recriminations all day.

That's where I'm at.

[Basil Benson]

Welp, now that the dust has settled from the involved parties, guess it's my turn.

For seven years, I've been forced to wait to tell my narrative because it didn't fit in with what moderation staff wanted. I'm only actually allowed to start it when moderation finally runs out of ideas, and as I finally get ready to go and fired up, and I'm told "Mmmm nah actually, we're done."

Seven years of nearly everyone either treating me like garbage or outright ignoring me and me holding on that it's OK, because 'People want me around, that's why I was called back here... right?' I took every knock in stride (or as best I could in some cases), because I pride myself on being a collaborator. So much so that I have deliberately turned down an entire plot device offered to me so that another player who was feeling overlooked at the time had a partner to bounce off of. In my mind, we were engaging in collaborative story telling, and it wouldn't be collaborative if we weren't all included in some way.

Over the last seven years I have been by and large ignored by the same people who claimed to have wanted me around. I interacted with only my posting pal on a regular basis, the same person I was interacting with before I was directly requested to return. I set aside a narrative that actually involved several of these parties that claimed to want me to rejoin this because I took the hint that they weren't enjoying it as much as I was and that I should just come back here. And for 'taking that hint', I've been punished.

Sara isn't the only one who feels taken advantage of. I feel like I've been used as a body only to 'prop up numbers and keep the lights on' as well. Not for a few months or even a year or two while other people chased shiny objects, but for the last seven years of my life. 90% or more of the attempts I have made to interact with every major plot line, ignored or written off by moderation. Everything I've attempted to do solo, pushed to the side so we can do 'more interesting things'. Every complaint I've had about this feeling was cast aside. And I've sat by and eaten it because people were acting as if I was 'being irrational' and that I was 'seeing things'.

If we decide to continue on at XU I will keep soldiering on if only for what I've established thus far not going to waste.

If you are decided to move on I will not stand in your way, but I will also not be joining you.

If you decide to move on, I request that my doorway not be darkened again the next time you can't find bodies to fill the seats. I'm not Charlie Brown. There is indeed a number of times you can pull the football on me before I stop going for the kick.

And if we are parting ways, my parting advice to you all is: Take your players more goddamned seriously if you don't want this to happen again. This pattern is cyclical because the same mistakes keep being made. One or two parties are allowed to dominate the narrative because they feel that is what is appropriate for the game, regardless of what others might feel.

Provided the only detriment to the group is that one or two people might be bored: Do the stupid mission. Engage in dumb plots. Eat the shitty meal your friend made because they made it for you and if they're your friend, that should be all the incentive you need to eat.

[Ashlie Minamida]

For seven years, I've been forced to wait to tell my narrative because it didn't fit in with what moderation staff wanted.

What? When have I ever told you you're not allowed to tell your narrative? The only thing I even remember you approaching me over was you telling me you were waiting for IC summer break to have Basil get kidnapped. I'm pretty sure I even pointed out that it would have been fine for Ashlie to be made to 'look bad' if it happened at any other point.

Seven years of nearly everyone either treating me like garbage or outright ignoring me and me holding on that it's OK, because 'People want me around, that's why I was called back here... right?'

I never meant to treat you like garbage and if I did I truly apologize. I genuinely don't know what you're even talking about here.

90% or more of the attempts I have made to interact with every major plot line, ignored or written off by moderation. Everything I've attempted to do solo, pushed to the side so we can do 'more interesting things'. Every complaint I've had about this feeling was cast aside. And I've sat by and eaten it because people were acting as if I was 'being irrational' and that I was 'seeing things'.

I... what? When have I ever ignored engagement with major plots? And I definitely never pushed any personal/solo plots aside, at least not intentionally. I am blindsided by this and I like to think I would remember complaints about things of this magnitude.

I don't know what to say. I want to apologize but I don't even know what for to be honest. I don't mean to doubt you. You clearly feel very strongly about this. Maybe it's just my gut reaction of not wanting to think I would be capable of being this awful to somebody, but I am honestly having trouble figuring out what I did wrong. I guess I'm trying to understand where this is coming from and failing. All I can say is I'm sorry, but without knowing what for that's kind of meaningless and hollow.

[Basil Benson]

I will answer inquiries when you all decide what you're doing. I'm not wasting emotional energy on something that isn't going to pan out in my favour anymore for this group. I've been hurt enough, and opening old wounds and talking about it in detailed length serves no purpose if the end result has already been decided and I'm not going to be a part of this group any longer.

I don't expect you to decide today, or tomorrow, or even in a week or a month.

But when the decision is made by the group, and if that decision still includes me, we can discuss this at that time.

I've only brought it up again so that there's no confusion on why I'm not moving on with this group to another narrative or any misconceptions that I'm 'along for the ride' to a new destination.

[Ashlie Minamida]

And if we are parting ways, my parting advice to you all is: Take your players more goddamned seriously if you don't want this to happen again. This pattern is cyclical because the same mistakes keep being made. One or two parties are allowed to dominate the narrative because they feel that is what is appropriate for the game, regardless of what others might feel.

Okay, I was gonna leave things as they were but is this seriously your response to me going "No one was helping me out and when I'm the only one in charge this automatically happens"? Yeah, I know I dominated the space, thanks for that brilliant insight.

I get that XU has long since turned into my place in a way and maybe that's my fault. I didn't mean for that to happen but when I'm the one who runs the majority of plots I suppose that's inevitable.

[Basil Benson]

thanks for that brilliant insight.

And this is why I refuse to continue to explain my feelings. Full stop. There's no reason for this sort of commentary, it's just an attack upon my person because you feel what I said was foolish. If we're not going to be associated to each other anymore, there's no reason for me to have to wade through further attacks on my person.

[Ashlie Minamida]

You're the one who went back and edited in lines basically calling me out for something I'd already acknowledged. Yeah, I'm not going to take that well.

[Basil Benson]

I edited them in not as a personal attack, but because there seemed to be some confusion about what I was laying down on the part of parties that were not you.

Trust me, if I want to come after you personally, I will use no veiled wordings to do so.

[Will Stanton]

CJ, I'm truly sorry if there's something I've done that has made you feel unwelcome here. We've gotten to this point because of a lack of communication between people -- I've made assumptions, and you've made assumptions, and WP has made assumptions and Sara's made assumptions and so on and so forth. We may, in fact, be the worst people in the world at communicating things. But I had no idea you felt like you were being stopped from doing things, or like you weren't welcome here. It feels like molehills have become mountains because resolvable issues were never resolved.

And for my part in that, I truly am sorry.

[Basil Benson]

I appreciate that you feel the need to apologize. For now though that's all I'll really be saying. As mentioned previously, my intent is to avoid needless conflict in this transition, whatever shape that ends up taking.

And until the decision is made about what's going to be done, hashing all this interpersonal stuff serves no purpose other than to harm feelings across the spectrum.

But also, I don't want to make you feel unacknowledged by not responding. The whole point of me not talking about it right now is to avoid hurting people and I feel like ignoring you entirely might also hurt you.

[Will Stanton]

I guess I'm caught up on the phrase 'needless conflict'. If a little conflict in the short term leads to friendships not getting broken, then I don't feel it's needless. If anything, I feel that it's necessary, because growth can't happen until the deadwood is cut away.

Nevertheless, I will respect your wishes here. I apologize, once more, for anything I've done to make you feel unwelcome. And I'll respect your wishes that you do not want to be included if the group in general opts to try something new. I'm just very sorry that it's come to that point.

[Jezabelle Sherlock]

I suppose it's my turn to chime in so I guess I should start by saying; I really shouldn't be chiming in. Because I'm an outsider, you see.

What I mean by this is that despite being a member here for years upon years, despite playing with most of you during all of that time... I've never been a truly contributing or participating member. I make posts, I interact, but I don't go out of my way to involve myself in stories or conversations. This is true both on the forum, and in the discord (or before that, the IRC). I'm basically here, and you can come and find me if you want me.

That's fine when there's a big playerbase. That's not-so-fine when said playerbase dwindles, and more of the work falls on fewer people. I've had ideas for plots and scenes I'd like to do, but most are very centered on my own characters. I don't know how much there is that people would enjoy doing, or how good of a narrator I would be, because I recognize my faults. I'm slow to post, and people don't like waiting. Because I'm so slow, for years I didn't involve myself in threads and plots because I didn't want to leave people waiting on me for the story to move forward. I'm slow because I'm easily distracted, or I'm being talked to by multiple people in other social media, or I'm overthinking what I'm going to say next - what'll be best for the story and fun for myself and everyone else. So for a long time I stuck to just social stuff, despite not going out of my way to be social. And through my own actions I had sidelined myself. In combat-heavy stories, I had made characters who didn't have a strong focus on combat. In social stories, I hadn't been interacting with others and had no reason for my characters to be involved with their plots. Unless people came to me and asked me to contribute, I wasn't joining in on stuff. And for a long time, there was only one person coming to me. That's changed of course - I've taken measures to contribute more, and others are coming to me, but in the scope of the board it's too little too late.

"But this isn't about you." Yeah, it isn't. But I'm not in a position to talk about what this is really about. And that's a symptom of a larger personal problem; I'm not paying attention. Because I wasn't interacting in those other threads and with those other characters / players, events and developments were going on that I was oblivious to. To the point where players drifted away and I didn't even notice. Because here's the thing; there's only one player here who I know their entire character roster. Generally speaking, I may know that a user plays some characters, but I don't know all of who they play. And despite the smaller playerbase, there are still some players that I dunno who they play. In one sense that's a good thing, because I see characters as their characters and not as their players. But if I don't even know who's playing them, how much do I really know about those characters, or the plot, etc?

So how is this relevant? Because I'm usually not paying attention to the OOC either. Problems have manifested, and built, and I've been blissfully ignorant. How ignorant? If you asked me to explain specifically what the problem was with Raph & Co, I don't think I'd be able to tell you; despite people having told me their problems numerous times, and how much it hurt them. This isn't from some lack of caring, in part it's because I just straight up forget things. To the best of my knowledge it didn't affect me much, so I don't remember it much. And it didn't affect me much because, again, I was off to the side not paying attention. This has happened time and time again with other problems that have come up. I joined XU because I thought "oh, XI but with older characters? That's a fun side-thing!" - oblivious to the politics going on behind the scenes because I wasn't paying attention.

When I did see problems, I didn't say anything. Because I knew I had no grounds to say anything because I was only seeing bits and pieces of things. What right did I have to speak up when I wasn't doing the work of being there for it all? The biggest problem I've seen here, and it's been a problem for years not just here but in other online venues I've been a part of, is communication. A small problem occurs and rather than talking it out with each other, people go to others to vent about it, or ignore it, or post something passive-aggressive about it. The problem never gets addressed, and a rift forms. And then every little problem after that, the rift widens. Things that could easily be solved go unaddressed, feelings fester, things get misinterpreted because of the opinions that have been formed of others due to these rifts, and every little incident builds and builds into a powder keg. I can think of one recent example, where a player thought I was being used to push the story in a direction that left them unable to act at the request of another - when in fact I was just posting what I thought was most logical for my character to say. But because those rifts have been around for so long, what would have been small issues have been allowed to fester and grow to the point where actually fixing them is an impossibility now. It's too late to start saying "hey, I have a problem with X" now, because there's so much bad blood that no matter what is said, it comes across as a confrontation to the other. I hate taking sides in these things.

I've failed my friends multiple times by not speaking up when I should of, and this is the result of that; and for that I will be forever sorry. As it stands I'm sure I sound like I'm downplaying things for certain people, and I don't mean to do that. Some things I'm not good at putting into words. CJ is my friend, and my posting pal. Without her, you wouldn't be seeing me 1/10th as much as you do now. A good chunk of the positive changes you may have seen in my posting habits have come through her, reminding me to contribute and pointing out opportunities to me that I would have missed otherwise.

Playing in other spaces. I'm guilty of it. It's not recent. I was playing in other spaces before I came to XI. That has continued into XU, and continues today. Those other places could be Discord groups, or chat programs, or tabletop. And until this all came up, I didn't think anything of it. Because I thought we were all doing it. Some of it I did with some of you. I thought we all had different places that we played based on our interests. I haven't invited any of you into those spaces, not out of any malice or desire to not play with you, but because this is where I come to play with you guys.

I like playing here. I like playing with you guys. I like your characters, and this universe, and the stories we tell together (well not me so much but you get the idea). But when it comes to something new, I don't know if I'll be a part of it. If the idea doesn't strike me, or I can't think of a character I want to play, then it's very unlikely. Because I come here to play XU, and my characters are XU characters, and that's what I want to play with them. If something new is started, those characters will not be a part of it.

This is a jumbled mess and I'm not sure how it reads, or if I said anything worth saying.

[Will Stanton]

You definitely said things worth saying.

Playing in other spaces. I'm guilty of it. It's not recent. I was playing in other spaces before I came to XI. That has continued into XU, and continues today. Those other places could be Discord groups, or chat programs, or tabletop. And until this all came up, I didn't think anything of it. Because I thought we were all doing it. Some of it I did with some of you. I thought we all had different places that we played based on our interests. I haven't invited any of you into those spaces, not out of any malice or desire to not play with you, but because this is where I come to play with you guys.

The problem has never been "people playing in other spaces". We DO all do it, to one extent or another. There are itches that this group doesn't necessarily scratch, and that's more than alright. And there are areas where you wouldn't want to invite people in because it doesn't fit, and that's totally OK as well.

The issue was more that a subset of the boards created a new board, and then didn't allow people from the first board to join in when they found out about it. In a "you're not welcome here" sort of fashion. If, for example, you CJ and Mad were to start a new play-by-post action board, and then told Trav and Jason that they weren't welcome there, that would be an issue. Or if we created a new XU-type board where everything was the same, but no Vics were allowed -- that would be a dick move. It's an issue of trying to divide the group rather than talk through problems, if that makes sense? Which is different then "I also post in this discord chat, and haven't invited all my possible friends to play".

And I like playing with you and your characters; the Katarina-Jez stuff has been some of my favorite RP bits in years, and I'm going to at the very least see the current plot thread out, because I want hot lesbian royal smooches on balconies in front of cheering citizens, and damn it, I'm going to get it. I am frustrated that the vibe in the chat went straight to "well, let's scrap XU and see what new thing we can create", even if I'm actually quite interested in the thing that's being created! It's an issue, I think, of some people being hurt by the status quo, and some people being hurt by changing the status quo. Which really, really sucks! If there was a solution that fit everyone, that'd be easy. But instead, someone gets hurt no matter what, and it stinks.

And you don't need to feel bad if you take a look at what people are cooking up and decide it's not for you. I mean, I hope you do like it, because I like people to like things, but you shouldn't feel guilty if something doesn't scratch your itch. And if you want to help design whatever this new thing is to make sure itches get scratched, that's why we're having open conversations about this sort of thing. I do hope that you at least stick around in the channel and keep going with the XU remnants and hang out with us, much like Brian and North and some of the other non-XUites were towards the end, no matter what. Because you're a good friend, and I would hate to lose contact with you over this drama.

[Ashlie Minamida]

Playing in other spaces. I'm guilty of it. It's not recent. I was playing in other spaces before I came to XI. That has continued into XU, and continues today. Those other places could be Discord groups, or chat programs, or tabletop. And until this all came up, I didn't think anything of it. Because I thought we were all doing it. Some of it I did with some of you. I thought we all had different places that we played based on our interests. I haven't invited any of you into those spaces, not out of any malice or desire to not play with you, but because this is where I come to play with you guys.

I wanna go ahead and stress here that this isn't really the problem. It was perhaps the instigating incident this time, but it was also... just a sub-set of XU people, doing something similar half a step over there. Without notice. And an explicit 'No' to taking part. It felt like a smaller clique of the friend group splitting off to do their own thing away from me, even if that wasn't the intent at all. And then on top of that I felt shouldered with the remains, which is really what this ended up being about.

I like playing here. I like playing with you guys. I like your characters, and this universe, and the stories we tell together (well not me so much but you get the idea). But when it comes to something new, I don't know if I'll be a part of it. If the idea doesn't strike me, or I can't think of a character I want to play, then it's very unlikely. Because I come here to play XU, and my characters are XU characters, and that's what I want to play with them. If something new is started, those characters will not be a part of it.

I do honestly hope that what we come up with is interesting to you. To everyone, really. I do understand not wanting to be part of something different that isn't what you want to do, but I enjoy posting with you (even if it's slow sometimes xP). CJ too for that matter. I wish we were able to communicate without being at each other's throats and assuming the worst. I don't know whose fault that is, I'm not exactly the most socially-savvy person, all I know is that I regret it because so much of the bad blood could have been avoided by talking.

This is a jumbled mess and I'm not sure how it reads, or if I said anything worth saying.

It reads as honest and that alone makes it worth reading.



And no matter what, XU is not getting shut down or deleted or anything like that. There's no reason to and it would be unbelievably shitty to pull that rug out from under you.

[Jezabelle Sherlock]

One thing I forgot to include, that I had meant to but got lost in my writing and re-writing, was in possible contributions from me. I said in my big winding post that I had one or two big ideas that I didn't think were worthy of a plot / issue, or a lot of ideas I had I didn't do because I couldn't think of how to make them contribute to the ongoing plot. Things I did pitch, I said "if this could help with a future story". Ideas like a use for evil Simon (who I did kind of a shit job of over on old XU), having a SHIELD member posted on campus, etc. I've been wanting to take a trip inside Vic's head since XI, and have been holding off on other stuff for him until that happens. But all of those were small things that didn't have enough meat on their own - so I'd just say "hey, here's a little thing, if it can help with a big thing, let me know". Vic's head ain't a forum-wide plot.

Obviously I don't expect people to write my ideas for me, or change things to better suit what ideas I have. But maybe I should be stepping up more often to say "I want to include this somehow", less "do any of you have big ideas that my little idea can be a part of " and more "this is what I want to do, does anyone want to help me / can this help with an idea you have?" or "what can I do to help with your ideas?" Because the burden of running the game and coming up with plots shouldn't rest entirely on one set of shoulders, and trying to come up with things for everyone's PCs is too much for any one person. DMs don't write plots for 30+ characters, so maybe it's time I took a little initiative and "DM" a bit too. "Here's a thing that's happened. Does it affect your character in some way? Alright then let's play that out together."

[Ashlie Minamida]

"Here's a thing that's happened. Does it affect your character in some way? Alright then let's play that out together."

This, times a thousand

[Will Stanton]

One thing I forgot to include, that I had meant to but got lost in my writing and re-writing, was in possible contributions from me. I said in my big winding post that I had one or two big ideas that I didn't think were worthy of a plot / issue, or a lot of ideas I had I didn't do because I couldn't think of how to make them contribute to the ongoing plot. Things I did pitch, I said "if this could help with a future story". Ideas like a use for evil Simon (who I did kind of a shit job of over on old XU), having a SHIELD member posted on campus, etc. But all of those were small things that didn't have enough meat on their own - so I'd just say "hey, here's a little thing, if it can help with a big thing, let me know".

Obviously I don't expect people to write my ideas for me, or change things to better suit what ideas I have. But maybe I should be stepping up more often to say "I want to include this somehow", less "do any of you have big ideas that my little idea can be a part of " and more "this is what I want to do, does anyone want to help me / can this help with an idea you have?" or "what can I do to help with your ideas?" Because the burden of running the game and coming up with plots shouldn't rest entirely on one set of shoulders, and trying to come up with things for everyone's PCs is too much for any one person. DMs don't write plots for 30+ characters, so maybe it's time I took a little initiative and "DM" a bit too. "Here's a thing that's happened. Does it affect your character in some way? Alright then let's play that out together."

Yeah, that absolutely is a positive thing to do. Shifting it from "I have a little bit, can anyone use it?" to "I want to do this bit, does anyone have anything it can tie into?" is a useful thing. Not everything has to be a plot/issue, but sometimes getting things out there can lead to other people hooking on. I know Sara hadn't planned for the spark nonsense to go into an underwater adventure, but Trav had that idea and I ran with it and it was developing like that. Similarly, I wasn't expecting a full on revolution to happen in Symkaria, but Nika threw so many curveballs into things I had to keep up.

And, as I've said in PMs, your ideas are good and I would like to subscribe to those newsletters.